Eeeek – it’s that time of year already. We’ve just about gotten over the ridiculousness of last year’s Big Brother and are still getting heart palpitations over Celebrity Big Brother‘s ridiculousness – so the kind-minded folk at Channel 5 have seen fit to show us ALL the new housemates for this year’s show TWO DAYS early.
Seriously guys, we’re just not sure if we’re ready.
We’ll do our civic duty however, and luckily for you guys we’ve got the low-down on who’s who and what’s what with this bunch of fame-hungry ragamuffins.
So let’s get down to business shall we?
1) Aaron Frew
OH GOOD LORD LET US LIVE. Model and personal shopper Aaron, 24, is single (GET IN), and has starred in a whole load of fancy campaigns with the likes of Pixie Geldof and Lara Stone. Hopefully he’ll stay in for a very long time and take his top off regularly.
2) Joel Williams
Joel is 19 years old and an actual local councillor, busy getting busy with the potholes and what’s getting going down at the children’s playground. He also wants to be PM (who doesn’t, eh Joel?)
3) Christian MJC
Christian MJC (or Matthew Clarkson as he’s sometimes known) is an apparent ‘rapper’ as well as being a medical student. He’s 20, and used to date a ‘well-known British soap star’. Also relatively easy on the eyes, so well done there, genetics.
4) Chloe Wilburn
Chloe is 25 and works in office admin. She’s said that BB is like ‘a gap year for chavs’ and that she’s obsessed with Benidorm. Apparently, she’s treated like a celebrity there, dontcha know.
5) Amy and Sally Broadbent
Amy and Sally, 27, are a lot like the twins that won the show the other year, but are basically a lot less northern and a lot more posh. Sally (on the right) spends £500 on beauty treatments, whereas Amy (predictably on the left) once went out with a footballer. HURRAH FOR FEMINISM. Both are in relationships at the moment, and seem like they’ll have fantastic personalities.
6) Adjoa Mensah
Adjoa is an actual real-life model as well (HOW MANY ARE THERE?!) Her first language is Dutch, and she’s a committed Christian, so there’ll be no hanky-panky in the hot-tub from this one.
7) Eileen Daly
‘COME ON EILEEN’ (as we’ll be referring to her from now on) is 51 and was once on The X Factor with her partner, Bo. She does films and sings, and when she looks in the mirror, she sees Nicole Kidman – which must be quite terrifying, when you come to think of it.
8) Jade Martina-Lynch
Curly-haired Jade is a model, and doesn’t believe in monogamy – following a polyamorous lifestyle. So, basically us on a Saturday night, after our 4th tequila shot and before our hangover is about to set in.
9) Jack McDermott
Jack is 23, single and from Plymouth. He’s known to his friends as ‘Pie Face’ and he loves Plymouth Argyle FC. WOOP WOOP.
10) Danny Wisker
Danny is 29 and is actual best mates with Ricci off of Geordie Shore. He’s allegedly dated a ‘handful’ of ex-housemates from Celebrity Big Brother, and works in demolition. Right now, he’s demoloshing our hearts with that smile. AMIRITE LAYDEEZ.
11) Harriet Jackson
Harriet works in a café, and would be played by Alan Carr in a film about her life because they’re both ‘common’. She supports UKIP and has a boyfriend for the time being.
12) Kieran McLeod
Kieran is apparently 30 and is self-employed. He also used to run a successful restaurant business, but jacked it all in to forge a career in ‘entertainment’. DIDN’T WE ALL, KIERAN.
13) Nick Henderson
Nick Henderson is 19 years old and looks slightly demonic – an assertion backed up by the fact that his most interesting anecdote was that he was expelled from two schools.
14) Simon Gross
Eyebrow-loving Simon is 46 years young and owns a theatre company. He also wants to be the first male Margaret Thatcher, which we can only assume means he hates miners, would like to sink an Argentine warship and is in favour of a good blow-dry.
15) Sarah Greenwood
Sarah is 24, a law student, and calls herself a ‘stuck-up b****’ – something that she’s very much proud of. Shockingly, she’s single!?!
Well doesn’t this look set to be quite the series, eh kids?
Big Brother: Timebomb live launch airs Tuesday 12 May at 9pm on Channel 5.
[ Big Brother Timebomb: Housemates To Be Revealed TWO DAYS Before Launch Night ]
[ Big Brother Timebob: FIRST LOOK Inside The House ]