Last year there was an Olympian. A real one, with medals and muscles and everything.
This year there’s some bloke who used to play football for Wigan and from a distance looks like Dougie from McFly, if Dougie from McFly hadn’t slept in six months and had had a really rough time of things lately.
Last year the token TOWIE cast member was Joey Essex.
This year it’s Gemma Collins.
And so the confirmed line-up for I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here 2014 goes on, each name on the list an Argos version of a former Prada (maybe in Joey’s case Topman) campmate.
Melanie Sykes should be entertaining, Tinchy Stryder interesting but beyond that the 2014 list is as big a disappointment as tuning in to see someone gag over kangaroo anus and finding them happily enjoying an M&S Spag Bol and a glass of Rioja with Ant.
I didn’t gasp, I didn’t shriek, I didn’t get excited. I just…well I just Googled.
How many did you have to Google? It was four and a half for me – Jimmy Bullard (the footballer), Kendra Wilkinson (obligatory glamour model/ probable willing participant in long bikini-clad showers), Carl Fogarty MBE (something about motorbikes), Nadia Forde (something about a golfer) and a quick check to see if Vicki Michelle was that one I was thinking of from Allo Allo or whether she was someone who used to be mates with Sharon on EastEnders.
It’s the former, FYI.
But should we be shocked? It is reality telly, after all, and the cries of ‘I don’t know who half of them are’ are as popular a British bandwagon as the John Lewis Christmas advert or harping on about detoxing in January.
We love declaring that X Factor’s over (but use our five free votes every week). We comment on our mate’s Facebook status that Big Brother’s had its day (while grabbing the remote and series linking it with our spare hand).
But when it comes to I’m A Celebrity, our high expectations are legitimate.
This isn’t Celebrity Let’s Make A Circus or Celebrity Do A Dive Off A Diving Board; normally I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here is a big enough draw that a lot of people who are too famous for other reality TV decide that they’ll do it, the only other way they’ll ever jump out of a plane being if they have way too much fizz on a First Class flight from LA.
Feel free to fling some last minute extras out of that plane with the rest of the campmates, ITV. Preferably ones that we don’t need to enter into a Google search alongside the words ‘Sharon from EastEnders friend???’.
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[I'm A Celebrity 2014: Has Jimmy Bullard Already Won? Twitter Seems To Think So!]
[I'm A Celebrity 2014: Kendra Wilkinson - Who Exactly Is She?!]