Last night we were treated to another THRILLING instalment of Made In Chelsea, where the producers decided to really screw around with the formula and give us some upper-class high-jinx mixed in together with some romantic indiscretions. CRAZY, HUH?
If you neglected to tune in to watch a privileged few lark around doing bugger-all , as you shivered to death in your shoebox flat, scrubbing the mould off your walls – WELL THEN SHAME ON YOU.
Luckily, we did all the watching of the tellybox for you, so even if you didn’t tune in (or you just want to re-live the entire episode because, well, why not?) you’re now free to discover for yourself the FOUR incredible things we learnt last night. HOLD ON TO YOUR (posh) KNICKERS, PEOPLE.
1) Louise and Alik – THANK THE LORD, THE END IS NIGH.
After last week’s dramatics, there was an uneasy calm between Louise and Alik – AKA the most unlikely and weird pairing ever in the history of the show. After going on about how ‘great’ things were between them (never a good sign), it was time for Louise to become the prime suspect when it came to cheating rumours.
Oh come on, of course you’d get drunk and snog whoever if you had to keep coming back to leather obsessive Alik, and his overbearing possessiveness.
Reminding us all of why she’s our all-time favourite, Lucy Watson took it upon herself to let Louise know that everyone thought she was a cheating hoe-bag, and then swiftly leave after Louise started her crocodile-tear ‘woe is me’ act (Lucy Watson ain’t got time for that).
Deciding that it was better for Louise to explain herself what happened, she told Alik that she didn’t ‘think’ she snogged anyone that wasn’t him, but that when she’s drunk “anything is possible” – which is all basically code for ‘ALL RIGHT, I TOTALLY GOT WITH SOMEONE ELSE – BOG OFF”.
2) Binky BLATANTLY fancies Alex again – and frankly, who can blame her?
So sexual deviant extraordinaire Alex Mytton is back again, and Binky’s poor old blinkered heart looks like it’s all of a flutter. Alex basically spent the entire episode bragging to anyone who’d listen (including Binky’s personal trainer Will, who she rebuffed last week) about how Binky was TOTES broken-hearted after they split, because what they had was so ‘real’, man.
Anyway, Alex eventually showed up outside Binky’s house (which isn’t creepy), with his boobs hanging out and his hair thankfully reigned in a tad, and deposited a heartfelt letter to the poor singleton.
Binky never got round to reading the letter until aaaages later, where she opened it up and read it aloud to the girls at Sophie The German’s weird Bavarian party.
AND WHAT A SURPRISE, ALEX JUST HAPPENED TO SHOW UP MIDWAY THROUGH THE READING.
Judging by the look on Binky’s face, she still totally wants to bang him – and to be fair, who could blame her? Everyone loves a bad boy (well, everyone in Chelsea, anyway).
3) Stephanie’s back, and she’s going to be making Stevie VEEEEERY jealous.
Stephanie Pratt was back, after finally getting released from her Channel 5 contract after probably taking a long ‘holiday’ in America.
Despite her ridiculousness later on in the show (see below), we were pleased to see her return – mainly because she’s one of the few people on the show with half a personality, and she also give Lucy Watson another high-powered female to hang around and scheme with.
Of course, she’s still desperately in love with Stevie, as he is with her, but they’re trying to deny their true feelings for one another as it’ll just get ‘too complicated’.
Well to be fair, the producers do need an extra love-triangle storyline that they can string out for the next few weeks.
Anyhoo, Stephanie now has a new fit boy-toy to make Stevie jealous about – the very hairy, bear-like Josh. Spencer set the two of them up at Sophie The German’s weird Bavarian party, and the two took to each other like ducks to water.
To be honest, we’re just waiting for Stevie to get all macho and territorial over Stephanie like he did in New York, as he’s quite fit when he’s like that, isn’t he?
4) The episode was basically an advert for everything that’s wrong with ‘Cameron’s Britain’ – and that includes Sam getting a date.
Five minutes into last night’s episode, we were already so infuriated with the cast, we toyed with the idea of purchasing a one-way ticket to Sierra Leone. This week, it seemed as if the producers had just said to one another, “Do you know what? Let’s make these guys even MORE un-relatable and nauseating! People will LOOOVE that!!”
Binky, Rosie and Louise kicked off proceedings dressed in ACTUAL tweed at a shooting party – yes, a shooting party – (do people still even do that sort of thing?!) which was all very Downton Abbey, and no-one even batted an eyelid at how ludicrous it was.
And speaking of ludicrous, Sophie The German decided to hold a ‘Bavarian’ themed birthday. The party itself got a bit weird – with all the girls having their boobs pushed up to their necks and wearing teeny-tiny shorts, it was all a bit ‘Ropey East German Porno’ and less ‘Oktoberfest 2014’.
(And while we’re at it, we think the privileged elite should perhaps shy away from all things Bavarian, otherwise it just all gets a bit ‘Third Reich’, if you know what we mean…)
Anyway, Stephanie Pratt also epitomised all that’s wrong with the world, (and illustrated how even further detached from reality the gang are) when she explained to Alik how she “just bought a flat in Chelsea”, because you know, she just loves it, and hey – isn’t that what EEEEEVERYONE DOES?
NO STEPHANIE PRATT IT IS NOT. You do not just ‘buy’ a house in London – you rent until you’re 43, after which you then abandon all hope and pray that you have a long-lost relative who’s kicked the bucket and can leave you a one-up, one-down in Dagenham.
The final nail in the proverbial coffin for us was witnessing Sam Thompson actually securing a date – at crazy golf.
Now this, for us, was perhaps the most offensive thing in the whole episode, and as our flatmate said to us, “WHY IS HE EVEN IN THIS SHOW, AND HOW IS HE ALLOWED TO DATE WOMEN – THIS IS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY”.
The cringe-o-meter went off the charts when he leant in and tried to give Lucy Watson’s mute sister a snog – which she initially rebuffed - yet still annoyingly gave Sam the impression that potential snogging could be on the horizon. WHY, WOMAN, WHY?!
To be honest, a country where Sam Thompson is able to get a date easier than we can is not a country we want to live in anymore.
CRIKEY OLD CHAP, WE TOLD YOU IT WOULD BE A JOLLY GOOD ROLLICKING ROMP OF A SHOW, DIDN’T WE?
Tune in next week, where perhaps we’ll see Jamie and Spencer go a bit ‘Les Miserables’, reject their aristocratic roots and start an anarchist uprising on the streets of SW3…or maybe the entire cast will all just go for yet ANOTHER brunch and do an awful lot of lip-locking.
WHO KNOWS, KIDS.