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Made In Chelsea NYC: What We Learned This Week

Made In Chelsea was back on our screens again last night, meaning one thing at least: WE FINALLY FOUND OUT WHAT ALEX DID TO MAKE JAMIE CRY.

But that wasn’t all the action our transatlantic Sloane Rangers had in store for us – HELLA NO. There was also some of this:

THE CAST OF MADE IN CHELSEA ARE REALLY GOOD AT NAVIGATING A PUBLIC PARK IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.
And no, we don’t mean in a ‘Strange Men On Hampstead Heath’ way (although Spencer going cottaging in Central Park WOULD be a get storyline for the next series) – no, we mean how Jamie, Alex and Binky all found each other  -MAGICALLY – in the middle of AN 800 ACRE PARK.

Maybe the aristocracy have some sort of internal gps homing device that leads you to the nearest person with an SW3/6 postcode?

IT’S *ALMOST* AS IF IT WAS STAGED. Anyway, it led on to this:

Alex Mytton is SHADY, Jamie’s got an unfortunate ‘cry face’ and Binky CAN make sound judgments at times.
So Alex Mytton showed up in New York AND NO-ONE SAW THAT COMING, EH?

Myttons (who’s now gone easy on the Lego haircut) basically ordered Binky to come and meet him in the park, which – Binky being Binky – she obviously did. But, as the girls collectively sighed alongside the rest of the nation, Binks sorta-ended up surprising us all with her ‘independent woman’ attitude.

Alex (or as we like to call him, ‘Shagger Al’) wanted to ‘build a bridge’ with Bink – but for once she wasn’t having any of it – SLAYING him with a: “Oh, so you want me to be your wingman, eh?” put-down.

Feisty.

Anyway, shortly after this, the background music went a bit ‘dark’ and Jamie found out that Alex had only gone and ‘done the deed’ with his ex-bird, Tara. Despite Alex blurting out, “B-b-b-but, Buddy! Mate!” every twenty seconds; it wasn’t enough for poor Jamie who ended up sobbing his poor little heart out in the middle of Central Park.

We think Binks summed up everyone’s views nicely, with: “I think you’re a piece of s***. Get out of my life, get out of this city” – which, after lots of pained looks – HE DID! Hooray!

Mark Francis and Victoria gave us some spiritual guidance.
If we ever decide to join an official religion, it’s the one where Mark Francis is our High Priest and Victoria is the Priestess. For reasons known only to themselves, the pair decided to attend Church to ‘reconnect’ with their faith (who knew that Victoria had a soul?)

“I find coming to church so grounding” said Mark, who then followed it up with – “Because, when I leave, I remember that, you know, some of us just AREN’T equal, right?”

PREACH TO US MARK.

You can still be fit and borderline brain-dead at the same time.
Ahh Jules. Where do we begin? We first met him on Rosie and Louise’s blind date, where he was accompanied by the ropey Scott Disick lookalike we met last week. We knew this meeting would be potential telly gold when Rosie got paired up with the ‘former model’ and word-vommed all over him, screaming: “Do I look like the desperate friend? BECAUSE I’M NOT”.

At this point our sympathies lay with fit-but-robotic  Jules – and then he started talking.
When Jules was kind enough to let us know how his life was “on a positive feedback loop” we were reaching for the gun, but after he ‘bumped into’ Lucy Watson (totes wasn’t staged by the way) the barrel was glued to our temple.

Highlights of his included “I love fashion!”, “Check out my DICE move!” and “HA! I’m glad you’re NOT from New York!” whilst maintaining permanent eye contact and never blinking. Creepy.

Stevie STILL can’t pull. Bless.
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie. You remind us so much of the sexually ambiguous, rosy-cheeked rugby boys we used to crush on in school – but guess what – YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO BE SPENCER MATTHEWS, SO JUST STOP TRYING. He wanted to take new-girl Billie up the Statue of Liberty (that’s not a euphemism), but alas she just wasn’t having it. Of course, Spencer has decided that he ‘really likes her’, confiding in Binky that: “even promiscuous animals need a shot at love.”

How very ‘Tila Tequila’ of you Spenny.

Listen Stevie – OBVIOUSLY Billie’s going to get sucked in by Spencer and OBVIOUSLY when he finally cheats on her, she’ll have a character redeeming ‘showdown’ with him – as is the MIC way.  Don’t fight it pal, just let it happen. Maybe crack onto to Riley, she’s got a new hairdo now.

Oh, we also found out that Spencer is really good at making raindrop noises. Bless.

Phew – WHAT A TRIP THAT WAS. Thankfully we only have to wait 6 more days to find out what else is in store for this bunch of bed-hopping posho’s.

[ Made In Chelsea NYC: what exactly happened in the first episode, then? ]

[ Jamie Laing has found LOVE at last! ]

Colin Lecher

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