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One Direction SLAY On Children In Need – And Pat Butcher is EastEnders’ ULTIMATE Directioner

So Children In Need was pretty fantastic last night, wasn’t it? As if seeing Sir Bruce Forsyth back on our screens wasn’t enough, we were treated to not one, but TWO performances from the sexual powerhouses that are One Direction.

And as if all of that wasn’t enough, the boys were only doing it on ALBERT FRIGGIN’ SQUARE.

Yes, our ultimate faves were mingling with none other than Kat, Alfie, and the rest of the EastEnders cast, having a drink in the Queen Vic and giving some showstopping performances on top of the ACTUAL ‘Enders bridge, hovering precariously over Dot’s launderette and Big Mo’s smalls.

Sorry, has Christmas come early? BECAUSE ALL OF OUR WILDEST FANTASIES HAVE COME TRUE.

The lads (including Zayn Malik‘s new, beautiful, barnet) filled the entire Square with apoplectic fans and cast members to perform both ‘Steal My Girl’ and new track ‘Night Changes’, which was all slow and moody and basically everything we wanted and more.

There were EVEN some fireworks. FIREworkS, PEOPLE. The Square hadn’t seen this much excitement since Aunt Babe got a new trifle recipe.

Now it wouldn’t be a visit to E20 without stopping off for a drink in the Queen Vic, would it? Well that’s exactly what the boys did, right before taking to the stage. Sitting down next to the dart board (and avoiding getting clobbered with the Queen Vic bust by an irate Stacey Slater), the boys chatted to The One Show’s Alex Jones about their well busy week and their involvement with Children In Need.

Oh, and Harry Styles completely blew us away – treating us to his best Peggy Mitchell “GET AHHHT OV MAAAAH PUB!!” impression – and to be quiet honest, he SLAYED. Who knew he was such a fan?

Of course, it wasn’t just Hazza’s pub landlady impressions that left fans agog – the little sexpot was implicated in a brand new ‘Enders SCANDAL.

Yes that’s right – Harry’s been getting down and dirty with an EastEnders institution. The iconic Pat Butcher returned from the dead last night, and shocked viewers up and down the country when she revealed to chip-shop enthusiast Ian Beale that not only was she living in Monaco (brilliant) but that she was also involved in an illicit relationship with the 1D resident fitty.

“Turns out, I’m the ULTIMATE cougar”, she told a perplexed Ian, shortly before he freaked out and wandered into the launderette (which was playing Martine McCutcheon’s ‘Perfect Moment’) and stumbled into his dead daughter, Lucy.

Maybe it was the iconic earrings that led Harry to take refuge in Pat’s ample, loving bosom?  Who knows – all we know for sure is that Pat Butcher is the biggest Directioner on the Square.

Either way, it was all basically fantastic. WE LOVE YOU CHILDREN IN NEED.

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Josh Feldman

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