There’s a woman in a bikini, a man with extraordinarily white teeth, and all that’s missing from this being Peter Andre and Katie Price is a pitchy chorus of Insania: welcome to the story of Joey Essex and Amy Willerton.
We all know where a jungle massage and a shared bath on I'm A Celebrity lead – all the way past whispers after dark in hammocks towards their inevitable final destination, an OK! magazine cover shoot.
We’ve been down this path before, but there is something that makes me sad about this particular romance, one that was predicted before the two people involved had even met each other. Before they’d giggled over kangaroo testicles, or glanced at each other washing their red socks and thought “You! You with the over zealous rubbing on the heel! You’re the one for me!”
Instead, there seemed to be an expectation that of course what they would do was flirt with each other because young, attractive beauty queen + young, attractive reality star = I’m A Celebrity romance.
It’s part of what Rebecca Adlington was saying when she discussed ideas of beauty with her campmates in the jungle; the belief that there is only one type of attractiveness, and it comes in the form of model looks and size eight jungle shorts.
Everyone else? Ruled out the game as potential love interests. Shouldn’t romance be more complex than that? Shouldn’t it be less predictable?
[Joey Essex really CAN'T tell the time - here's our very own proof]
[Joey Essex gets rather flirty with Amy Willerton. Romance ahoy?]
Clearly Joey isn’t Rebecca’s type (imagine how much that tan would run in a pool) and she is in a relationship anyway, but in different circumstances, if they had fallen for each other in the jungle I’d have found that MUCH more interesting than Amy and Joey.
Because the best reality show pairings have always been the ones that took us by surprise. The ones that if someone had tried to work out a formula of who would get together before the show started, using some kind of reality TV relationship generator, would never have been predicted.
The machine would have sent out a “NO MATCH” verdict for Nikki Grahame and Pete Bennett from Big Brother and Rebecca Ferguson and Zayn Malik from X Factor. Then there was Josie and John James, and the greatest reality TV love of all, the one that transcended pride, X Factor stage regulations and the wearing of footwear: Eoghan Quigg and Diana Vickers.
In this year’s I’m A Celeb though, we may have to accept that we’re not going to get one of those brilliantly random pairings. Steve and Laila are unlikely to find themselves having an intimate moment while washing the pots, and Rebecca is unlikely to realise she’s fallen head over jungle boots for Joey.
For many reasons, but mainly because he would almost definitely dive-bomb into the pool just as she was about to break a world record.