Shakespeare had sonnets. Keats had his odes. Reality stars have dick pics.
On the off chance that you’re one of the 12 women left on the planet who hasn’t had an unsolicited picture of a penis shoved in her face, or a man: a dick pic is a photograph (sometimes blurry, always creepy) of a man’s flaccid or erect penis that in the 21st century seems to pass for courtship.
Not only have DPs taken the place of dinner and a movie in the world of dating, their shock-value has been utilised by a number of C-list celebrities as a handy tool to raise their profile under the guise that they were ‘hacked’.
Got an album coming out? Time to leak a dick pic.
About to go on the promo tour for your ghostwritten autobiography about the struggles of finding love as a reality TV star? Why not whip out the dick pics?
Just signed a sponsorship deal for a new Fitness brand and wanna show off your ripped torso? Boy you better get that dick pic out there!
But how good are DPs at making a meaningful contribution to a star that may be in decline?
Let’s take a look at the facts shall we?
Back in 2011, Dappy of N-Dubz and Tulisa’s cousin fame, was one of the first British stars to fall prey to the dreaded leaked DP. Described by the man himself as ‘a baby’s arm holding an apple’, the impressive D spread far and wide thanks to the wonderful world of Twitter. However, suspicions were raised when someone rightly pointed out that the timing of this ‘accident’ happened to coincide with the release of Dappy’s new single, which had been lagging behind in the charts. Sure enough, post-DP the single shot to number one.
Dappy admitted to the publicity stunt during his stint in the Celebrity Big Brother house in 2014, by which time he had clearly learned his lesson about wh****g himself out for a quick buck and 15 minutes of social media fame.
But a quick glance at how popular the search term ‘Dappy’ was on Google during that time and it’s pretty clear that these candid snaps are not a one-way ticket to A-lister status. After an initial spike, interest in the singer petered out to similar levels BDP (that’s Before Dick Pic).
So was it worth it? Dappy got his number one but at the cost of having the entire world see him naked.
TOWIE’s James ‘Arg’ Argent was also accused of timing the release of his DP to coincide with the release of his autobiography, ‘Living It Arg’ in September 2014. In August sales of the tome, which has been referred to by some as a modern-day David Copperfield*, had only sold a mere 4,508 copies compared to pal Joey Essex shifting 21,291 copies of ‘Being Reem’.
Looking at the data again, there was some interest in Little Arg but not nearly as much as when the Essex native had gone missing after failing to turn up for a flight in August. As it happens, he had gone to the wrong airport but #FINDARG became a trending topic on Twitter. It would seem that seeing less of Arg rather than more is what interests the British public.
Made in Chelsea’s Jamie Laing might also be disappointed to learn that his leaked DPs made little impact on the British public.
It was Jamie’s then girlfriend who ‘accidentally’ posted the explicit image of the McVitie’s heir in all his glory in July last year but clearly no one told Google. In fact, Jamie’s DP was totally outshone by an incident on MiC when Alex Mytton made the poor lad cry.
Mr Mytton is the latest reality star to fall prey to the dastardly world of camera phones, MazSight and…thumbs. This week, we were all treated to a selfie from Alex’s girlfriend Nicola Hughes. Unfortunately, the summery shot was photobombed rather unceremoniously by Mytton’s member.
“Remind me nor to go to barca with my chick and her phone” tweeted the dandy lad after Nicola accidentally uploaded the picture to MazSight, clearly unfazed by this violation of privacy.
We’re remiss to accuse Mytton of orchestrating this leak, as we can’t for the life of us work out what he’s flogging. Judging by his Twitter feed, he’s rather exited about an upcoming DJ gig in Ayia Napa. Perhaps this was an elaborate ruse to sell tickets?
Who knows but one thing is for sure, thanks to the sheer number of naked knobs floating around on our phones via Tinder and Twitter the DP just doesn’t have the power that it used to.
Something to think about if you’re a celeb planning a leak. Yes Calum Best, we’re looking at you.
*no, not really.
[Neville Longbottom Gets Naked, J.K. Rowling Is Mortified]
[Made In Chelsea: Who Has The Most Money]