May 10th 2015 – perhaps one of the darkest moments in British television, perhaps even in our ENTIRE lives. “BUT WHAT’S WITH THE DRAMZ MATE?!” we hear you splutter from behind your bowl of Special K.
Well dear reader, today’s the day that we all found out that Louis Walsh has been actually SACKED from The X Factor.
Yes, you read that right – SACKED.
Will life as we know it ever be the same again? Who will be left on the panel who can get away with saying questionable statements about ethnicity and the like? What about Jedward – has anyone thought of them in all of this? WILL WE EVER SEE ANOTHER WAGNER?!
According to the boys and girls at The Sun, the Dark Lord of reality TV himself, Simon Cowell, broke the news to professional Irishman Louis, who has given 11 years of dedicated service/ridiculousness to the show.
A show insider told the paper: “They are close friends so Simon wanted to do this in the right way. He didn’t want to leave the discussion to executive producer Richard Holloway because that backfired so badly when he sacked Cheryl Fernandez-Versini from X Factor USA in 2011.”
“So Simon spoke to Louis and told him that it’s 95 per cent certain that he’ll be ‘stood down’ this year.”
Apparently this blot on this history of humanity is all part of Simon Cowell’s plans to refresh the show and claw back some decent ratings from the sequinned harlots over on Strictly Come Dancing: “Viewers had become sick of Louis’s constant use of tired clichés and the same old jokes.”
“He’d been doing it for 11 years and it seemed like he was just going through the motions.”
Bless him, we don’t think he really knew where he was for most of the time.
But Louis fans fear not – the Westlife enthusiast has LOADS of stuff in the pipeline to occupy him, with a stint on Ireland’s Got Talent, as well as a potential ‘advisory’ role on this year’s X Factor.
After Louis got ‘sacked’ from the show eight years ago (which was in no way a publicity stunt, FYI), he kicked up a teeny-tiny bit of a fuss – so this year, Simon wanted to make sure he went about it all in the right way.
The mysterious show insider (who ARE you?!) explained: “Simon doesn’t want that to happen again, especially because he genuinely loves Louis as a pal, so the Ireland’s Got Talent job will work out perfectly.”
“It is very likely Simon will also invite Louis down to The X Factor this year to act as his adviser behind the scenes. It will be up to Louis if he chooses to come but Simon views him as part of the family.”
Somebody hold us while we grab a box of Kleenex and mourn for the period in our lives that was 2004-2014. It’s all very emotional.
Louis’ chums also admitted that the Lenny Henry super-fan felt it was time to move on. They told the paper that:“Louis did have a phone conversation with Simon and told him he’s ready to go.He’s absolutely loved every moment of his time on the series and is going to remain a big supporter of the show.”
“And let’s not forget he never set out to be famous.”
YES LET’S NOT FORGET THAT GUYS – LOUIS WAS A SELFLESS JUDGE AND WAS DEFINITELY NEVER IN IT FOR THE FAME OR THE MONEY AND WAS COMPLETELY COMMITTED TO FINDING ‘DE NEXT BIG BOYBAND’
Anyway, whilst we gather some composure/chain ourselves and our families to the railings of Syco HQ and go on hunger strike, the search begins to find The Walsh’s replacement.
But will things ever be the same again? We think not.
R.I.P Louis Walsh - X Factor Judge / Resident Fruit Loop. We’ll miss you.
And for those struggling to deal with today’s events, we’ll leave you with the words of W.H.Auden/Four Weddings and a Funeral, which might be of some comfort today.
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my north, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
[X Factor's Stereo Kicks Slag Off Louis Walsh: 'We're Glad To Be Away From Him']
[Dermot O'Leary AXED From X Factor]
[Simon Cowell Is The Only X Factor Judge Safe From Being Axed]